Everything is energy, and everything is connected…
I started writing this post early last week, in a swimming pool, far away from the world at the end of the Osa Peninsula.
I say in a swimming pool, because I was literally underwater when something struck me, a realization that until now had avoided my consciousness.
In discussing a famous city in South America, I casually bragged to my girlfriend that my great grandfather had designed many buildings there.
Then, unpredictably, with the abrupt jumps of a dream, the conversation skipped like a rock on the surface of a pond, first big, then shorter and shorter hops until it smoothly settled into a realization that hit me with such force, she noticed the sudden shock on my face.
My grandma had been right.
It hit me so hard that the conversation ended, and I found myself laying face-down on the surface of the water, my shadow taking the form of the Vitruvian man on the bottom of the pool as the sunlight played with reflecting ripples circling around me.
There have been very few moments in my life where the dots have connected so forcefully as to redirect my thought process and physical actions in that moment.
Perhaps this is a sign of growth, of maturity, of becoming more like water.
My trip to Lima, Peru several weeks ago had convinced me of more than a few beliefs I have developed over the past few years about the world.
But the drops of knowledge which have formed together into a grand sea of fluid belief were hit with a meteor from my concrete, unmoving past, the collision was impacting and unavoidable.
In the stoppage of time which followed, as I repeatedly held my breath and gazed through the water at the blue tiles and the living, liquid shadow art painted upon them, my mind began to connect the dots, and for the first time in a very long time, I truly felt regret.
Not the “kicking myself for inaction or stupidity” regret, like selling a perfectly good car thinking I was leaving a country, only to start a whole series of negative dominoes because of that stupidity, or making a choice not to run a certain famous rapid at night, only to wish I could hit CTRL + Z and live it over, taking action.
No, I feel those pangs of regret all the time.
This was different. This was a realization that I’d missed the chance to learn something, probably many things, and that the fault was that of a closed mind. My closed mind.
I had two very different relationships with my grandmas. One I saw all the time and she and I had a great friendship. She never tried to convince me of anything, she just supported me.
My other grandma I didn’t see very often, a couple times a year – the usual holiday gatherings that define the modern American family.
She and I didn’t have a good relationship – I was the youngest of all the grandchildren, and the most staunchly principled when it came to opposing her beliefs.
The great irony here, of course, was that her son was the one who had pounded that rigidity of belief into me.
Grandma had grown up in South America, in various countries that had a very, very strong Inca presence, both then and throughout known history.
The details of our conflicting worldviews are not as important here as is the framework of the story. She respected ancient cultures, and talked about interconnected energy waves and her past lives.
My answer to everything was Jesus.
She was, from what I can remember, a brilliant mind, a scientific mind. I don’t remember many specifics of her arguments with my dad, but I vaguely remember that it came down to her arguing science-based reason, and my dad arguing scripture.
She used to send my brother science magazines – Discover and Popular Science, I think it was. I read them when they made their way to the discard boxes in the basement, but I read them with a closed mind.
You have to understand something – I’d been convinced that dinosaurs were evil figments of man’s imagination sent to deceive believers, because they weren’t specifically mentioned in the King James Bible.
Being that I am naturally predisposed to be passionately attached to my beliefs, my mind was fertile ground for such seeds to grow and flourish.
And that they did, and were protected at all costs.
So when Grandma would try and tell me something in our personal conversations, I would shut her out and parrot chapter and verse that I’d heard used against her points before.
It definitely played a role in our less than bubbly grandma-grandson relationship.
The last such conversation I remember has stayed with me for years, and yet through all my searching and learning during my adult life, I’d never grasped consciously the depth and breadth of the moment.
In response to my biblical reasoning she had said to me,
“Someday you will change your beliefs.”
The thought was viciously appalling to my passionately well-intentioned, value-driven young self. I dug in my heels.
“I will never change my beliefs!”
I still remember where we were, in my parents’ house, alone in the dining room. I remember her answering, as she walked away, something to the effect of:
“Yes you will. You’ll learn.”
After that, I literally don’t remember any more value-based conversations with her. I was probably 12 or 13 at the time.
It’s said that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, and within the next year or two I discovered the energy of moving rivers, of whitewater.
My journey in the river, and the river’s journey through all facets of my life, is well enough documented elsewhere to skip here.
Suffice it to say, that when one day I began to study the writings of Bruce Lee, I had spent enough time in moving water to understand his famous quote “be water”. And while many of the things that he said tested my value system and challenged my beliefs, I did not reject him as a whole right out of hand.
Rather, I read, and thought, and listened, and mulled things over, and began to flow.
What I have come to realize over the last decade is that staunchly held beliefs which are not based on scientific fact reserve no space for flow.
Blocking the ability to flow, cuts off the natural energy that exists in our world and the known universe.
This would apply to most religious beliefs, to bigotry, and even to more general topics like national borders. I’ve been to six different continents, and the older I get the more I despise the idea of nationalistic pride (even though slightly hypocritically, I’m still a pretty damn big fan of Texas’ liberty ideals).
Borders cut off natural flow.
Closed barriers in one’s belief system also cut off the natural flow, and so I have sought balance in all areas.
For me, it’s not about a “belief system” anymore. I love the works of Ayn Rand, and I love the political ideology of Libertarians. And yet Objectivists (staunch followers of Rand) and Libertarians are often at odds with one another, to the point of real deep-seeded vitriol.
Mix in a little Buddhism and sprinkle some Bruce Lee, discuss the blatantly selfish side of Jesus Christ and his refusal to be swayed from his purpose on earth, and I’ve got a concoction on my hands that draws fire from every angle.
And yet I believe that as I am learning, growing, and gaining a deeper understanding of Life and Love, I’m finding an evolutionary balance.
I do not fear death, or “the afterlife”, because I believe that Love is the invisible energy that bonds the multiverse together on the positive side.
And while I arrived on this planet at this time as an inherently flawed being with many earthly (humanly) cards stacked against me, I have held three unifying beliefs since the very beginning, and they have been the triumvirate which has held me together and brought me this far.
I believe in always seeking Truth, I believe in always doing what is Right, and I believe in giving Love.
To fail at any of the three always leads to negative, unwanted results.
In the most glaring example in my recent life, I had a major falling out with someone relatively close to me. I chose to take action on what I believed to be factually true and emotionally right…but it was the antithesis of Love.
And as if to teach me this lesson, once and for all, I was handed the karmic ass-whooping of my lifetime.
The resulting lesson is clear for me now – I had crossed the line from Love to hate. I can argue that’s not the case, and make a rational sounding argument. But when it comes to Love, I think it’s black and white.
You’re either loving or you’re not, and if you’re not, then since a thing cannot be a zero if it exists, then non-love must be hate (and I’ll be happy to take that argument on for those who will argumentatively suggest the neutral state of indifference exists).
I was not loving, and tried to justify what I can only now accept logically as hate. And for that, I have paid an enormous price. Yes, folks, karma can be a bitch, but only when you do not love.
So to that person, I will publicly say here that I am deeply sorry, and that I am making the conscious, logical choice to love you (I’ll say it privately too, but I want to share the lesson here without unneccesarily airing dirty laundry).
In the midst of my karmic beatdown though, an interesting thing happened – I was presented with an opportunity to challenge myself in love, and to learn a plethora of lessons along the way.
That major positive in my life has been in many ways truly the sole catalyst which has seen me through the dark times fostered by my punishment.
Which brings me full circle to my grandma.
The asteroid which plummeted into the sea of my beliefs last week came crashing through an atmosphere of intense love and gratefulness – for self, for others, for the universe.
Love makes me vulnerable. It also makes me open.
Open to receive…to learn, grow, and evolve.
And so, on this Mother’s Day 2013, I wanted to say two things to my grandma, who is gone from my earthly life but not gone from Life.
I’m sorry.
Thank you.
I’m sorry for being closed-minded. Should I ever be a parent – and even if not I can still be an example for others around me – I will teach them to rationally question everything (including and especially what I tell them) and to always ask why.
I will teach them to forever be learning even from sources that on the surface they don’t agree with, and to be open to new information leading them to a higher level of knowledge about the world and self.
As you used to call it, enlightenment.
And with true gratefulness, I have to thank you for playing the role you played in my life. Perhaps you knew. Perhaps the rejection I felt then and have carried all these years, was actually tough love. It certainly was a painful seed which has grown into a beautiful rose.
Of course, maybe you actually didn’t like me because I didn’t show you love…so I won’t try and speculate about hypothetical roses through metaphorical rose-colored glasses now.
But I do want to say that I’m sorry, for what it’s worth. And thank you, because I know gratefulness is worth a whole ton in the grand scheme of Life.
Everything is energy, and everything is connected. You believed that. And you believed that one day I’d get that.
I’m still learning, I’m still adapting, I’m still seeking Truth.
But one thing I can say for sure is that something relevant splashed down on me in that pool the other day, and the resulting ripples are now being carried around the world, and as with all energy, will continue to ripple through the rest of my life.