A conversation today led me to an epiphany while showering after an afternoon run (epiphanies in the shower are a topic all their own, but isn’t it interesting how humans tend to get the best ideas while free of pretty much all materialism, washing the grime and grit off their physical bodies, while in an elevated hormonal state?).
Short and sweet:
- one of the foundational problems with humanity today is the lack of properly generated self-esteem, and even more, the lack of understanding for why even having self-esteem is important in the first place
- this problem leads people to avoid earning their own love and respect, and to seek to earn their self-esteem through the approval of external sources (which, no matter what it is – rewards, material things, conquests – always boils down to the approval of other people)
- thus, people who seek to control other people, do so (perhaps subconsciously) in large part to feel like they have a grasp on their own self esteem. Because their self-esteem, self-worth, self-value, self-confidence, and myriad other things are all completely based on how other people PERCEIVE them.
Or, perhaps I should say…their self-esteem is based on whether or not people notice them at all.
This also of course leads people to put up facades and seek to be loved for values which they don’t actually possess, also a topic all its own. But my light-bulb moment was about people who manipulate and control.
Sure, there are many reasons why people control others, a lot of them based on personality types.
But control of people besides one’s own self I think is, at it’s root, an indicator of a very weak self-esteem which is externally motivated – i.e. is in dire need of approval and attention from other people.
And control / manipulation take many forms. It’s not just the bitchy ESTJ brain type person who is always micromanaging.
It’s the kid who acts out in class and disrupts the lesson.
It’s the needy girlfriend who throws a tantrum when her boyfriend doesn’t give her what she wants.
It’s the abuser who keeps his prey on a yo-yo, knowing she’ll always come back, knowing he needs her to come back.
These, and many more examples, all stem from a lack of internally generated, self-motivated, personally earned self-esteem.
If I don’t respect myself – which I can only truly do if I know I have lived up to the values I say I possess, and in doing so earned my own self respect – then every single bit of external approval is fraudulent.
And no matter how much people lie to themselves about that external approval, it’s never as fulfilling as they want it to be. It never actually boosts their self esteem. In fact, many times it has the opposite effect. Look at the many celebrities who go off the deep end because, in large part, they know that they don’t deserve the adulation.
Self-esteem can only come from within. Being or doing anything for the sake of approval or recognition of others is a fool’s errand.
Be, and Do, because it is You. Earn your self-worth by being a person you respect, admire, love, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt…straight up kicks ass!
