UPDATE – in the shadow of the Wells Report and the ensuing “ridiculous” suspension, here are 3 really great pieces that articulate the message in a different way.
More Probable Than Not – Ben Hunt
Burn, Brady, Burn! The Wells Report and the Embattled Patriots Quarterback – Charles P Pierce
Days of Our Foxborough Lives: Robert Kraft Surrenders; Tom Brady Discovered Under Bus Wheels – Charles P Pierce (the first legitimate sportswriter to compare Cartman’s “you will respect my authoritah!” with Roger Goodell!)
And then there’s what I wrote shortly after the Pats – Colts game in January:
Once upon a time, like all kids who grew up watching and playing football, I dreamt of a life so farfetched that anyone who might have known those secret thoughts would have probably laughed and told me it was unrealistic (oh wait, most did).
But over the past 13 years or so, that life has actually come to pass even more unbelievably than kid-version me had conjured up.
It just wasn’t for me…but rather in the form of a guy named Tom Brady.
Super Tom! He of the super looks, Super Bowls, and a supermodel wife. The modern day fairy tale life.
But, with one ill-thrown interception early in the AFC Championship, a game his team would go on to win by a resounding 45-7, a suspicious equipment manager handled the ball and then made a call which set in motion the dominoes of Tom’s charmed life beginning to fall.
Perception is reality. The media and twitterverse perception is that Tom Brady cheated. All logical evidence certainly points to that.
In the past, I’ve defended people for egregious violations of socially acceptable cultural norms, and even for rule-breaking. I once shared what I would say to the world if I were Tiger Woods. I defended Lance Armstrong and doping, not once, but twice.
But – mancrush or not – after years of cheering for his fiery fist pumps, the trash-talking to defensive linemen, the eff-you touchdowns and the unparalleled quarterback play…I find it difficult right now to defend Tom Brady.
Because there is a big difference between the socially unacceptable transgressions of these 3:
Tiger Woods: Liked sex, a lot. With a lot of women who weren’t his wife. (Only culturally acceptable if you’re honest about it – I’ll get to that later.)
Lance Armstrong: Liked evolutionary science and winning, a lot. As did all of his competitors, but Lance still beat them. (Lying’s not ok, but doping rules are antiquated and wrong…and he did beat all the other people doping, so…)
Tom Brady: Likes illegally squishy balls, apparently a lot. (Not wrong on its own, but he clearly broke a technically black and white rule that is not about improving human performance, but rather is about cheating to change the sport’s standardized equipment in his favor.)
I have no problem with PED’s, which most everyone is using in some form or fashion (especially in the NFL) as they just have to do with scientific advancements and the body.
But when you start to alter equipment outside the scope of the rules, it’s no longer about you combining science + hard work to obtain a positive result.
Cheating with equipment (when it’s clearly defined, it’s cheating; if it’s undefined, then it’s innovation) is about cutting corners and pissing on the integrity of the sport. It is grounds for the most severe punishment the sport and the court of public opinion have to offer.
Unless, of course, you man up and own it.
Wait, what?
Yes. Just own it. The sport’s punishment will only be temporary no matter what (unless you’re Pete Rose, for some reason). But the court of public opinion verdict is forever.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of the “scandals” I’ve seen in my life – whether it’s Tiger, Lance, A-Rod, or Clinton – it’s that eventually the truth will come out NO MATTER WHAT.
Because as much as people love a hero, they love to cut those heroes down even more. And they’ll find every skeleton in your closet before they’re done.
So the best defense, then, is manning up and owning your screw-up.
You did it, and you know you did it, so you either have to:
A) lose what respect you did have for yourself and lie to the world, knowing you are lying
or
B) own what you did and straight up claim it to the world.
It doesn’t change what you did and make it right, by any means, but it puts you back in control of where your life goes from that point onward.
If you like unacceptably deflated balls, then, well, get up there and own that!
But wait, back up a second.
First, WTF was Tom Brady wearing? Belichick dressed nice and professional for his presser (an abnormal but very wise move that made him and his response seem even more intimidating than usual).
But Tom’s very appearance gave the immediate impression (to me) that he grossly overestimated his infallibility and the world’s unconditional love for him. Bigtime.
It was arrogant in a manner that smacked of trying way too hard to act nonchalant and innocent. It was obnoxious in a cheap form that undermined anything serious he said, and made him look more like a dumb jock than he ever has at any time in his career.
This is the fashionista who people love to mock because he’s a spokesmodel for men’s UGGs and poses for GQ photoshoots with baby goats. This is the guy making babies with the world’s #1 supermodel. This is the guy with a Q-score considerably higher with the female demographic than it would be otherwise, because besides winning Super Bowls, he looks, talks, and acts like a movie star.
And at possibly the defining press conference of his career, one that will be shown 40 years from now, he wore a Walmart sweatshirt with a white undershirt showing? And a damn beanie – indoors- with a pompom on top?
What happened, Tom, did you wake up 10 minutes before the press conference in a frat house at East Tennessee State?
In some ways, how he presented himself at that press conference to proclaim his innocence to a world that already judged him guilty was more ridiculous than the contradictory statements and defensiveness that came out of his mouth. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t wear baggy sweatpants and crocs, too.
He knew he was caught (and thrown under the bus earlier in the day by his coach), so he tried to act like it was all no big deal, like he didn’t care. In terms of perception, he failed miserably.
And because of his failure in that press conference, whether fair or not (and whether he actually deflated the balls or not) he will probably wear the scarlet letter of liar and cheater for the rest of his life.
WHAT TOM BRADY SHOULD HAVE DONE
He should have just been Tom Fucking Brady.
He should have worn his most kickass red carpet suit ensemble, styled his hair, strode to the podium looking like a million bucks, and in the charming Brady way, simply said:
Ok, you got me. I like balls that are deflated more than the technical rules allow. Obviously it didn’t affect the game, we ran it down their throats and outscored them 28-0 in the second half after the correct balls were substituted. The Colts said it themselves, we could have beat their asses if we’d been playing with soap.
But I threw a stupid interception and they ratted me out, and now we’re here. So, yes, I admit I mess with the footballs to get them just how I like them. I’ve been doing it for years.
That, among other things to get an edge, like all athletes do – but you haven’t caught me for anything else, so time marches on.
You guys all seem to be forgetting though that this is just a game, you’re getting your panties in a bunch over some pretty petty shit, aren’t you?
Meanwhile out in the real world ISIS over the pond is beheading people and throwing them off rooftops for not believing in their imaginary friend’s rules about not touching balls.
The things people are accusing our team of, though, are ridiculous. Really, Baltimore Ravens, accusing us of messing with your kicking balls? The refs handle the kicking balls for all games. Always. You guys really DO need to read the rulebook, man. And maybe learn how to kick under pressure.
But look – you caught me, ok? Doing something technically outside the rules to gain an advantage. I know the “everybody does stuff like this” defense won’t help things here – even though, um, well…everybody does do stuff like this.
But do you really logically think that a ball being slightly easier to grip is what has given me the career I’ve had? One that you guys love to include ad nauseum in your debate about who is the greatest quarterback of all time?
Oh, no, sorry, grippy balls are not why I’ve had one of the best careers ever, anyway. I misspoke there, I must have forgotten to drink my Deer Antler spray this morning – my career is actually all due to the now defunct “Tuck Rule”. Sorry, Ray Lewis – my mistake. Maybe if I believed in God the way you do I could get away with murder too.
Everyone can think what they want though. I’m proud of my career, I’m proud to be going to my 6th fucking Super Bowl, and if you think a miniscule and virtually imperceptible difference in air pressure is the reason why, then you have obviously never played any competitive ball sport, let alone quarterback in the NFL. At a high level, anyway – cry me a river, Mark Brunell.
If you all want to crucify my character now over this, go ahead. I squeezed some air out of the balls. Oh, and I did it game after game, season after season. I’m pretty ok with myself at this point, so you’re writing for yourselves.
You know what’s crazy though? The NFL hasn’t even bothered to contact me this week. 47 million tweets about #DeflateGate and #balls, and I’m the most likely suspect, but not even so much as an sms from my billion dollar bosses! I know, right?
Richard Sherman was correct – it’s pretty damn hypocritical of the league to threaten to eject a player for wearing gold cleats, when they can’t be bothered to type ‘did you do it?’ and press send to the guy most likely responsible for the biggest scandal since, oh, I don’t know, maybe since the $44 million dollar commissioner blatantly lying about what he knew about a player deflating his wife’s face with his fist.
But I know you’re all tired of talking about silly little problems like domestic violence and concussion-driven suicides, so, now you’ve got a new juicy story to drive ratings. I get it, you’re just doing your job.
Thing is though, this isn’t something I did just for the Colts game. It’s the way I always like the ball, and like most of the top QB’s in the league have their preferred feel on the ball, this is my preference, and it’s something I’ve been doing my whole career. I’ve even been on record saying it.
Like you’re doing with Aaron Rodgers now though, you all chose to ignore my admitted preference for pushing the limits of the rules, because there was no viral narrative to attach to it at the time.
Anyway, I thought in America the status quo was all about respecting a man’s preferences? Especially when it comes to balls. Everybody does like them different.
But whatever. There you go. Coach didn’t know about it, and he does make things miserable in practice, but he’s an evil genius and that’s why as a team we’ve been so consistently good. We earn it. No other players know about it either, it’s all on me, and I’ll deal with the consequences of my actions.
Well, at least if the NFL ever gets around to contacting me. Ha!
In the meantime though, since I’ve already turned into a meme for your extraordinarily mature humor, I’ll leave you with a quote from the ever-so-dignified Cartman:
And then, with all the charisma of the superstar he knows he is, he should have walked off that damn podium like a boss.
Everybody’s human. And every human screws up sometimes.
When you do screw up, and if you’re a public persona, there’s only one way to keep some semblance of control of your own life (in this sense I’m obviously not talking about committing legitimate crimes against other humans like for example murder, ala the aforementioned Ray Lewis. I’m talking about bending the rules in sports, or infidelity, etc).
The only way to keep any control is to straight up own what you did and then move on.
Tiger Woods has continually tried to deny who he was (a guy who really, really liked sex, with a lot of partners who weren’t his socially acceptable wife), acting as though that part of his self was somehow a crime against humanity. He has never recovered the magic that made him a great golfer.
Lance Armstrong denied who he was (a guy who used every evolutionary scientific discovery to make his body better) and has lost everything he worked to earn – even a charity that gave half a billion dollars to people in need. And because he fought and denied it so vehemently, for so long, he’ll probably never be forgiven regardless of finally coming clean.
Tom Brady has thus far denied what everybody who knows what a football is can see is a preeeeeeetty certain verdict that he softens up his game footballs. Eventually the truth will come out. Assuredly. Because it always does.
Maybe his relationship with Giselle will even flame out over conflict that comes from this (because he’s probably lying to her about it too). Hopefully not though. I still like the guy and think he’s the #GOAT, regardless of slightly deflated footballs.
If the refs couldn’t tell, and some hourly employee was unscientifically sticking a needle in them in a restroom to let some air out, I mean, come on. He’s the greatest because he’s the greatest, not because of slightly underinflated footballs.
But still – perhaps one day long after he’s retired, he’ll be on Oprah’s couch, trying to explain why he lied, and saying he’s sorry. And the sportsworld will yawn.
Because there’s no regaining the magic once you’ve lost it by lying to try and stay out of what basically amounts to detention for these guys (the sport’s punishment). Except for Bill Clinton – somehow he came through it all just fine. For everyone else, though – including most likely Tom Brady now – it’s a scarlet letter for life (society’s punishment).
That’s why, just once, I want to see a star with the cojones to stand up and own their mistake / rule-breaking / infidelity / etc with defiance and a perceptible twinkle in their eye. To not only accept detention, but to laugh at its real insignificance all the way down the hall.
Not to give a weak-ass apology. But a straight up, “Yep, I did it, that’s who I am, you caught me – have fun debating it on twitter, I’m going to go bang a supermodel.”
Oh yeah, that’s right – we do have that person! Thank the universe for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Fucks given = zero.
A man who is unapologetic for offending people with his art, his beliefs, or his taking 20 models home from the club with him after dumping his girlfriend.
Something I never thought I’d say – right now I have more respect for a tree-hugging hollywood lifer with a terrifying hipster beard, than the guy I’ve idolized as a sports hero for over a decade.
Because one of them owns who he is and what he does, and the other apparently doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to do so.